Dear Jennifer,
I am a 35 year old man and I have never been in a serious relationship. I would like to date and get married, but I become extremely shy when I talk to other people, especially women I find attractive. I actually turn red and start to shake, which is really embarrassing. I end up avoiding people because I don’t want to make a total fool of myself. Will I be alone forever?
Dear Writer,
It sounds like you have social anxiety disorder. Social anxiety is a fear of being negatively evaluated by other people. It is very common for people with social anxiety to have a fear of talking with someone that they find attractive. Other common situations that cause people with this disorder discomfort are:
Eating in front of others
Public speaking
Being observed by others walking in public
Starting a conversation with someone
Attending a party or social gathering
Talking to people you consider are in authority positions
Asking a store clerk a question
Returning items that were purchased
Using a public restroom
The list goes on, but social anxiety has the common theme of worrying that something you say or do will cause embarrassment and possibly rejection.
Social anxiety disorder is actually the most common anxiety disorder, and one of the most common mental health issue in the United States, so you are not alone! It is often associated with depression. This makes sense when you think about it, people with social anxiety tend to avoid situations and withdraw, and feel disappointed for doing so, this can easily lead to feelings of depression.
Social anxiety has some common characteristics that maintain the anxiety. These are:
SOCIAL PERFECTIONISM
This is where you have unrealistically high standards for yourself. You believe you need to be funny, smart, know what to say, not have pauses in a conversation, and never interrupt someone. This pressure makes you feel more anxious and self-conscious.
SELF-FOCUSED ATTENTION
This is where it feels that you are in the spotlight. If you are walking down the street, eating in a restaurant, asking a question, you believe people are looking at you and evaluating you. When you are talking to someone, you are putting the spotlight on yourself, evaluating how you sound, how you feel, what you look like to the other person. This again makes you feel more anxious and uncomfortable.
AVOIDANCE
If you don’t down right avoid going to a party, you may still be using avoidance. At a party you may not initiate conversation, wear a turtleneck so no one can see your neck turn red, not hold a cup because someone will observe you hand shaking. These are subtle avoidance strategies that actually maintain your anxiety in the long run. They reinforce ideas that if you make a mistake or show you are anxious, you will be judged and/or rejected.
The good news is that Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy is very effective for social anxiety disorder, no matter how long you have had it. It helps you to overcome your anxiety and meet life goals that you have for yourself. To learn more about this disorder and other anxiety disorders you can go to adaa.org.
Warm Regards,
Jennifer